me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.