I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*