Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.