Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own