wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.