“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best