Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
