Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit