WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.