when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…