sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.