Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop