Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.