“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio