I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me