Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–