[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.