Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?