Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”