Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.