Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.