Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”