Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
bury ourselves
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.