Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again