her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place