I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
bury ourselves
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood