I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀