Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.