LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets