Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working