I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.