[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move