Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”