In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
