My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
