Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[loses house key, starts a new life]
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?