Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend