*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[loses house key, starts a new life]
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?