why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.