Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
Split the bill
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
when she block me on everything
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
happy halloween
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
