always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?