Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
