As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
the worm is coming from inside the brain
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.