Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.