(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Good advice.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.