I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.