her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Good advice.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne