[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!