Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees