We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.